I am still overweight, I am not as stuck, I have been going to the gym, my bedroom is not yet a sanctuary (but I did get a new super comfy bed), I did change my job and love that.
I am still not in control of my self discipline. This is an ongoing problem, isn’t it?
My plan? Clean my room, don’t get hung over, try no to eat the world this weekend.
Like Jack Nicholson in the Shining, I continue to return to my diet. Despite sabotage, laziness, hopelessness and too many birthdays, I am fighting again. I have been to the gym, taken yoga class, did a swim class, treadmilled with my friend Kim, swam with my friend Daniella (if you can call it that), and finally finally yesterday I planned my food and bought almost nothing outside the house. And today, on weigh in Wednesday, I am back to weighing 171.8, It’s not 169, which will be a day of great delight as I head into health, but it’s not 176 either.
Now to start a Liveplate.
Well, I didn’t make the gym but that’s ok because there is more time to go. I guess that means I’d better get there Friday and Saturday because today is a busy busy day from now (7 am) til 1 tomorrow morning. I’m glad I didn’t give up coffee!!
I did well on the added sugar thing, I’m going to try to cut out processed sugar as an ingredient as well by next week. Work is the challenge because I rarely know what I want to eat at lunch in the morning so I need to make a decision now for later…. ah decisions.
Got my toes done though.(purple).
Also, the minute I stop super focusing on this, I gain. That was not the way in the past, I would be able to hold on longer and maintain. That must be due to lack of exercise.
On to day 2!!
Lenten discipline!! 40 days of focusing on self restraint or self motivation. This year I have a bunch of thing.
1.No wheat except for birthdays
2. No added sugar
3. Gym 3x a week or 2x and a long dog walk
4. No screen time before bed, read to sleep instead
I think I can do that. And i want to continue to post more regularly here. Its funny this little blog with what, a tiny handful of followers, I am anonymous, but not.
I’ve been tumblr-ing and stumbling upon stuff for the last hour and a half, since 7 am, am, ever since the dog barked at the basement cats. It’s 9:23 and now, I really really must go, although I learned a lot and saw a cool picture of really deep snow around a road (blah blah blah). I am a conspicuously aware that I didn’t take off my mascara last night and now my eyes feel so stuck and heavy. THAT is easily remedied, however, so just watch me get out of bed and on with a successful day!!!
I think it fascinating that when my eating is disordered I am also feeling a little out of balance with EVERYTHING. One drives the other, when my eating is impulsive I am trying to soothe myself or feel in control of my existence. Nice insight.
Last night I planned to go see #1 son’s band play at a pretty big venue in Philly, so I turned down happy hour with coworkers and dinner with friends to go home and get a shower for 10:00. But then I felt sick, so i didn’t go after all (very disappointed, he said it was great), and I didn’t go to the pub with the manfriend either. I sat home and watched Criminal Minds and Shameless with my housemate (when she dragged in). I felt disappointed to miss the gig, but I felt fine not eating or drinking out of the house. When I am really getting going on a diet I often avoid social situations (that involve food and ETOH). So I sort of feel good about staying in, and I’m thinking, maybe that was a good start for the weekend. I haven’t done particularly well this last week, actually not well at ALL, so maybe my body gave me a jump start?
I’m in. I am going to get out of bed, clean my house, walk the dog and have a healthy day.
I just didn’t make it to the scale til today, and it isn’t all that bad. 172.4. Last week I was at 171. So that’s not the worst thing in the world. I was certain that I would be 176. So I’m not completely imploding. Now can I get traction today? I will try to take lunch and plan ahead. It would be great if I could get to the gym. Odds are fair for today, good for tomorrow.
I just discovered that the Zumba teacher at my gym, where I can go for free at 5:30 teaches a 7:30 class at the high school which I can pay for. At the old gym there were classes at 6:30 in the morning and 7:30 at night, I wil have to ask my gym to maybe add something in the after dinner hours.
I am sometimes the worst dieter ever. I break my little goals, I eat for emotional reasons, I don’t take time to exercise, I don’t take care of myself.
This is really funny, because I am a therapist, and i am in the business of teaching people to value and take care of themselves. I think it is so interesting and motivating to see fitblrs looking back for those ties, taking the time to identify them and then acting against future triggering. One would think that after all these years I would be able to be in charge of this.
And yet, where do we find those deep, original wounds to heal them? I know from whence they sprang, out of abuse that I was trying to prevent and hide from, and I know that a layer of insulation didn’t really help anything back then (except keep some boys away, but not many) and it doesn’t help now. Why don’t I feel like I deserve to be my best self? That is a great and important question. The one I dance around and can never quite hold long enough to resolve.
I suspect that in reality, the root cause may not be all that important if I can change my behavior, because cognitive dissonance is a real potent thing (we change our beliefs to fit our behavior, hence, Nazis and hooliganism), it’s just too bad I can’t hold onto the behavior very long. Maybe I don’t want to have men around in my new single life, that has been a factor before.
Oh well, maybe tomorrow I will make the gym.
